Friday, October 9, 2015

It Is Like Trying To Squeeze Toothpaste Back Into The Tube

Less than twenty-four hours after the baseball season - or at least the only part of it about which I truly care - came to an inglorious end, the hockey season - or the only part of it about which I truly care - began quite nicely.  The New York Rangers ruined the "Hey Look We Won the Stanley Cup!" party that the Chicago Blackhawks threw for their fans on Wednesday night.  Hooray for us.  One game down, eighty-one more to go.  And that is just the regular season.  I love hockey and I love the Rangers but it is easier for my brain to process it conceptually once we pass certain mile markers on the calendar - such as Columbus Day.  

It frightens me - and not just a little - that effective October 6, 2015, McDonald's changed its rules of operation so that breakfast is now available all day, every day.  In the interest of full disclosure, I have not eaten at a McDonald's in such a long time that I cannot recall when it was that I last did so.  I have any number of vices that are injurious to my health and well-being.  Fast food, however, is not among them.  

That being said, when I saw McDonald's blanket advertising about the ability to order an Egg McMuffin for dinner, coupled with the positive feedback on social media, I became more than a bit frightened for this country.  It occurs to me that perhaps, just perhaps, the elixir for America's rampant obesity is not something that further broadens the appeal of fast food.  It also occurs to me that McDonald's has implemented (in certain locations) the outsourcing of taking orders at its drive-thru windows in order to expedite the process and improve its accuracy.   If I am concerned about the ability of the people who work for me properly performing the critical tasks associated with their jobs, then is adding more responsibility to their job really the best course of action?  

I am constantly impressed by the inclusion of entirely unnecessary instructions - not warning labels but instructions - on household products that we use on a day in, day out basis.  If no one ever thought to affix "Lather.  Rinse.  Repeat" to a shampoo bottle, is there a concern that we the people might have thought that we were to drink the bottle's contents or, perhaps, squirt the contents up our ass in order to assure we achieve a bright, silky head of hair?  

Similarly, who first determined that these words must be emblazoned on your toothpaste tube:  

FOR BEST RESULTS, SQUEEZE TUBE FROM 
THE BOTTOM AND FLATTEN AS YOU GO UP. 

What exactly does that even mean?  Best results in terms of the quality of the tooth-brushing experience - suggesting that everyone from Crest to Tom hides the good paste in the bottom of the tube or simply best results in extracting the product from the tube without leaving big globby balls of it all over your bathroom vanity?  If it is the former, then thank you Mr. Colgate for thinking of me.  If it is the latter, then who fucking cares?  

Furthermore, who is it who determined - whenever such a determination was made - that operating a tube of toothpaste is a process that requires fourteen words worth of guidance but that assembling any piece of furniture purchased at Ikea is a task best explained through an amalgam of diagrams and drawings.   No worries, Sven.  It is after all only my children who I intend to place EVERY NIGHT in their brand-new Mydal Bunk Bed Frame I just purchased at your furniture and meatball emporium.  Assembling it by adhering to the fourteen-page cartoon you call "Assembly Instructions" concerns me for their safety not at all.  

After all, furniture assembly is not rocket science, right?  Or even as hard as, let's say, trying to squeeze toothpaste back into the tube.  As a wise man once observed of the Triple Lindy, "Hard?  It's not hard.  It's impossible."    

-AK 


No comments: