Thursday, July 23, 2015

Bears and Bowls

A bear in the office?  I have never actually seen one.  Ever.  Not once in the close to sixteen years that the Firm has called its present home...well, "Home".  Empirical evidence suggests however that one - or perhaps more than one - is loose within the four walls of the office.  At the very least, on the loose and confined to the 3rd floor. 

There are few places I encounter in my day-to-day that approach the inherently vile nature of the men's bathroom on the Firm's 3rd floor.  While the overwhelming majority of us who use it practice proper bathroom etiquette, within our tribe we have colleagues who engage in rituals that even when seen cannot be properly explained.  The sum and substance of what they do and what they fail to do is simply foul.  A little-known secret around our shop is that the reason I start my work day hours before everyone else is it affords me the chance to attend to my "bathroom business" without first getting a tetanus shot. 

By comparison, the men's room on the Firm's 2nd floor is something akin to Shangri-La.  Earlier this week, I was downstairs for something during the early afternoon and availed myself of my colleagues' bathroom.  Although it was shortly after two o'clock, the bathroom was pristine.  It appeared so well kept that I actually thought for a moment - as I stood over the sink washing my hands - that I might well have been the first person to have used it all day.  It was delightful.  Had I not had a lot of work to get to, I well might have gone to the water fountain located just outside of its door and consumed an amount of water sufficient to require me to take one for the road as it were.  

I know not whether a bear shits in the woods, although I presume one does.  Judging by the day in/day out condition of my little piece of porcelain heaven, it seems to me that they do their business on the inside as well.   

After all, only a creature without fully-developed and functional opposable thumbs could make the mess that is made in our men's room on a daily basis.  You might believe that to be true.  I assure you, sadly, it is not. 

At the risk of being sued for violating another's intellectual property rights, I plan on printing up a copy of this sign and taping it to the walls of our bathroom.  

It will not solve all of our issues ("Hello, hand washing is not optional!") but it will be a step in the right direction.


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