Monday, May 5, 2014

Viva Puebla!

For all those celebrating it, Happy Cinco de Mayo to you and yours!  Is there any nation in the world with whom the French have f*cked militarily that does not have a holiday commemorating a battle in which their undermanned army kicked the shit out of the French army?  I do not know the answer to that question.  I do know that Mexico does.

If you are partaking in today's festivities, whether because it is a day celebrating your heritage or because much in the same way you were Irish for a day six weeks ago you are Mexican for the day today, then I beseech you to honor these two simple requests.  I promise you that doing so will (a) not reduce the amount of enjoyment you derive from the day; and (b) substantially reduce the likelihood of those around you wanting to kill you thus depriving you of your chance to see the sun come up on Seis de Mayo.

First, do not run around all liquored up acting like a douche nugget - especially while it is still daylight.  This is a day, much like St. Patrick's Day and New Year's Eve, which quickly descends into amateur hour for those who opt to imbibe.  Contrary to what your frat brothers might have told you, this date's appearance on the calendar does not carry with it a license to act like an asshole. 

You might indeed spend your afternoon celebrating but many of us, including Yours truly, shall spend our Monday working.  Do not become a slobbering mess who becomes at least a distraction and at worst a full-fledged problem for those of us sharing the globe with your today.  It will substantially increase the likelihood of you getting through the day without getting punched in the larnyx. 

Second, do not celebrate the day by drinking Mexican beer - especially Corona.  Here's a bit of a newsflash for all of the college girls and men whose testicles have not fully descended yet who drink that swill:  Beer should not require fruit accompaniment or a garnish.  I am Irish.  The Irish have been shoulder-deep in two things for several centuries now:  Guinness and potatoes.  If beer required a garnish, Irish bartenders would have started peeling steak fries into pints decades ago.  They did not.  They do not.  If you spend your money on a beer that requires a fruit chaser, then you are an idiot. 

While Corona is particularly dreadful, truth be told you are an idiot if you spend any money EVER on any Mexican beer.  It is true that there are Mexican beers that taste better than Corona, but that does not make them good beers.  Rather, that distinction is something akin to being the thinnest kid in fat camp or the tallest Munchkin in Munchkinland.  Upon further examination, it is not as impressive as it might seem at first blush. 

Something akin to being the most fiercesome soldier in the French Army...

...Viva Puebla! 


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