Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Oh Henry!

March is the month for mathematicians, which in and of itself explains why Mom popped me out in February I suppose.  Yesterday was our third basic math day of 2014 (3/11/14) - although truth be told after we soar to the dizzying height that is 7/7/14 it is all downhill from there.  This Friday is Pi Day.  Math is busting out all over.  

Mathematics and numbers have a special place in the otherwise empty chest cavity of the man who owns the Miami Marlins, Jeffrey Luria.    Luria is the man who prevailed upon the taxpayers of Dade County, Florida to foot the bill for the Marlins' new stadium a few years back, threatening to move the team to any city not smart enough to recognize him as a peddler of all varieties of snake oil unless a new baseball-only stadium was built for them.  He cried poverty when certain elected officials and residents wondered aloud why the team could not pay for its own stadium and, against their better arguments, and to the chagrin of the folks down there, he won.  The people who do the working and tax-paying in Dade County, Florida ended up paying for the Marlins' new park.

Half a season into their first year in their new home - and buried in last place in spite of a roster of All-Star caliber players - Luria sent his high-priced talent packing.  The Marlins' march to payroll paucity was the envy of everyone not named William Tecumseh Sherman.  It caused spontaneous outrage attacks throughout South Florida as the people who paid so much to keep Luria's team as their team now wondered who the hell exactly their team was.  And Luria?  He and his sidekick, David Samson (when Shakespeare wrote, "What's in a name?" he never could have guessed with this one eh?) did what they have done for years and years.  He waved to his fans....but he used only his longest, centrally-located finger.  Man has to know when to conserve right?

In 2013 the Marlins won 62 games.  For those unfamiliar with the length of the Major League season, you might be interested to know that they won exactly 38 fewer games than they lost.  That takes some doing.  Think of it this way:  they lost more than one month's more worth of games than they won.  It was as if they went "0 for May" or some such thing.  Luria laughed all the way to the bank.  His "Major League" payroll last year was a hairball over $36 Million.

Last week, in the Grapefruit League, the Red Sox sent a team to play against the Marlins.  Luria, whose balls bear such a striking resemblance to church bells that he likely gets struck in them three to four times a year inadvertently by bell tower ringers, actually charged his fans a 'premium price' for the tickets for this particular game.  Not to see the Marlins of course, whose lineup included two veteran infielders who were both out of Major League Baseball completely in 2013, but to see the World Series-winning Red Sox.  

The Red Sox, not giving a rat's ass about the Marlins' raping of their own fans over the price of tickets for this particular game and, instead, caring about things like preparing for the 2014 season and the defense of their World Series title, sent a team to play the Marlins that did not include any of their regulars.  In fact, seven of the nine players in the starting lineup had never had an official at-bat in the Major Leagues.  The Marlins - classy to the end - went bat shit crazy.  They complained long and loud - to the press and thereafter to MLB - that the Red Sox had done them and their fans a disservice by failing to field a major-league caliber lineup.  They were quoted as being "outraged" by what the Sox had allegedly done. 

The young fella who is Boston's GM is a good guy, Ben Cherington, and he took it upon himself to apologize for his team's unintentional diss of the Marlins and their fans.  Next time, Ben might want to call his owner to see if he really has to say "Sorry" when he has not in fact done anything wrong.  This past weekend, John Henry took to his Twitter to deliver a resounding "F*ck You" to Luria, Samson and the rest of the whiny, diapy-wearing douche nozzles currently screwing the people of South Florida out of an actual Major League Baseball team.  Tweeted Henry, "They should apologize for their regular season lineup."  

Not that Mr. Henry needs or covets applause from those of us who cheer for New York's American League entry but he is getting it from me nonetheless.  The people who are damaging the Marlins are not the Red Sox or any other team that failed to get the "Super Premium Pricing" memo but rather the people who occupy the owner's box and the executive offices at the Marlins' home stadium.  Jeff Luria is a joke as an owner.  Worse than that he is a thief.  He happily sticks his hand out every year to collect his share of luxury tax money that the people who own the Yankees, the Red Sox, the Rangers and the Dodgers pay in their effort to put the best, most-competitive team they can on the field in their cities for their fans.  Once he has that money in hand, where does it go?  It most certainly does not go back into the Marlins' roster.  Their 2014 payroll is expected to be as microscopic as the 2013 version.  And he watches them play bad baseball from the air-conditioned luxury paid for by the taxpayers of Dade County.   

Oh, by the way, the Red Sox team that outraged the Marlins by showing up to play on "Super Premium Price" ticket day did not win the game.  But it did not lose the game either.  The teams played to a 0-0 tie.  That, all by itself, tells you all you need to know about the Marlins' prospects for 2014.  

Spring has not yet arrived.  And these fish already stink....

....and to the surprise of no one - the stink starts at the head and moves downward from there. 


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