Friday, February 21, 2014

They Call Me Elmer

Tuesday morning - as I motored north on Route 287 in the pre-dawn darkness accompanied by yet another snow event - I bagged my first deer of the season.  My weapon of choice was neither a gun nor a crossbow.  It was a Volvo. 

Not being much of a big-game sportsman I do not know too much about the deer I bagged.  Truth be told, I know not even that I killed him or her.  I know simply that for reasons that shall remain forever a mystery to me, at approximately 4:40 A.M. in the general area of Exit 26, I came to understand firsthand that deer cross the road for the same reason as their friend the chicken.  Unfortunately for me, my car came between my four-legged companion and the other side.  Doubly unfortunate for me, no one bothered to show my personal Bambi an alternate route.  Where the f*ck were the Governor's men with a lane closure or two when I needed one? 

I know not what happened to the deer after our brief encounter.  It was dark and considering that where we met was the middle lane of three lanes of northbound traffic on Route 287 I did not get out of my car to check on him.  I glided off to the shoulder adjacent to the right lane and upon determining that my car, while not looking particularly beautiful, was able to be driven I got back into it and drove to work.

My favorite thing about my car - apart from its obvious ability to win a wrestling match with a fairly sizable woodland creature - is what I perceive to be the Swedish gift for understated humor.  When something atypical happens to the car, a message flashes on a very easy-to-read display on the console.  Tuesday morning, post-encounter, the message that flashed was "Low Wattage Bulb", which I presume appeared in response to the fact that once the deer introduced itself to my car, my front right headlight ceased to exist.  I suppose that the Swedes - in spite of their engineering prowess - never thought to program the car to flash what would have been a far more appropriate and - daresay - factually accurate message:  BULB IN DEER'S ASS. 

Maybe on the 2015 models they will rectify that omission.

I now have a far better understanding as to why Elmer Fudd spent his entire life hunting rabbits instead of deer.  Much easier on one's insurance rates.  Much, much easier.

....That's All Folks! 


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