Saturday, December 21, 2013

The Revolution Has Been Postponed

You can buy it, you can try it, it'll help you in bed.
But don't be fooled folks, there's only one.
I forget that guy's name but somebody said
Sell it and they will come boys, sell it and they will come
-Bruce Springsteen

I run three miles on the treadmill weekday mornings before I go to work.  Our treadmill is located in the basement of our house.  To keep me company - and to keep from waking up the Missus on the floor above me - I run with the television on but the sound muted.  I watch the final few minutes of the 2:00 AM Sports Center on ESPN and then the first several minutes of the 3:00 AM edition.  A lifetime of watching ESPN has taught me that it is a network on which little is lost when the programming is viewed with the sound off - especially when Stephen A. Smith or Chris Berman is in full bellow.  

The best part of watching ESPN in the morning's wee small hours is the commercials.  There are mornings when it seems as if every other one is a legal advertisement attempting to recruit members of a potential class for litigation over male enhancement drugs.  The others?  You guessed it.  Spots selling the aforementioned male enhancement drugs. It is something akin to the Circle of Life, penile-style.  

My favorite one of the male enhancement product spots is the one that features former baseball star Jose Canseco.  

Every time I see it the same two thoughts compete for room in the forefront of my mind.  First, he was enough of a d*ckhead naturally without enhancement. Second, perhaps had he not spent his professional baseball career sticking syringes of steroids in his ass on a regular basis his "Little Joey" would be more Louisville Slugger than Wiffle Ball Bat at this stage in his life.  Then again, at a certain level, it just may be the perfect marriage of pitch man and product.  

And in Canseco's defense, he does give off less of a used-car salesman vibe (or perhaps he just comes off as more ashamed of what he has been reduced to doing to earn a living) doing his bit than former Dallas Cowboys coach and current Fox Sports talking head Jimmy Johnson does while shilling the same type of stuff.   The former coach is not shy about stating his pedigree up front. 

Jimmy Johnson spends so much time reciting his resume at the beginning of the spot that one presumes that the company that hired him to sell its product never bothered to tell him who it was he had replaced as their pitchman

The only time of the day during which I watch ESPN is while I am running on the treadmill at or about 3:00 AM.  I have no idea whether these products purchase advertising time on the network during any other part of the broadcast day.  I would suspect not.  Other than the odd idiot who is up getting in his daily run, they likely figure that most of ESPN's viewers of the 2:00 AM and 3:00 AM Sports Centers are their target audience:  dudes with so little happening in their own lives that they are glued to their television sets watching a sports highlights show. 

Maybe, just maybe, Canseco, Coach Johnson and Smiling Bob will make a commercial together.  That would go a long way to settling the all-important question of "Which one of them is the bigger d*ck?"  Oops.  Damn auto correct.  I meant to write, "Whose product works better?" 

....sure I did.  


No comments: