Sunday, November 24, 2013

What the F*ck Is Wrong with Us?

Thursday is Thanksgiving.  It is a day that once upon a time was revered as THE original American holiday.  Now it is viewed as little more than a speed bump on the Halloween-to-Christmas continuum. 

No group of human beings exist who are better equipped and more willing to pounce on an opportunity to capitalize on the tendencies of other human beings than those in the retail trade.  Smart bastards they are.  Having inundated us for years now on television, on the radio, on-line and in our Sunday newspapers with advertisements promising "HUGE DISCOUNTS" and "BEST PRICES OF THE SEASON" right now as opposed to as we draw closer to Christmas, they rather craftily set the table for the transformation of Thanksgiving from "Holiday" to "Shopping Day".  Un fucking real. 

This year not only shall stand alone, big box stores all over New Jersey be open for business on Thanksgiving but several shopping malls shall be also.  An outfit, Simon Property Group, which owns and operates fifteen malls/outlets across the State of Concrete Gardens, shall have a number of its locations - including the Menlo Park Mall in Edison, Newport Centre in Jersey City, Quaker Bridge Mall in Lawrence Township and Rockaway Townsquare in Rockaway - open on Thanksgiving.  The malls shall open for business at 8:00 PM and shall remain open for twenty-six consecutive hours before closing for the night at 10:00 PM on Black Friday.  The company's stated reason for opening its locations for business on Thanksgiving?  Customer demand. 

Presuming that they speak the truth - and I am inclined to believe them if for no other reason than people in the business of making money are not inclined to consciously waste scads of it - then the eternal dash to Hell on this particular issue is a flat-footed tie between the bean counters in their respective home offices and the asshole consumers who simply must go out on Thanksgiving to buy whatever "needs" to be bought for Christmas.  Memo to the World:  Scant few things one "needs" to survive are available for purchase in the Apple Store, Best Buy or Hickory Farms. 

If you are one of those soulless trolls who heads out shopping on Thanksgiving, then make your first stop whatever hardware store or home improvement store is located in your neck of the woods.  Presuming the joint is open, bop on in and buy yourself a pry bar.  Then use it to unwedge your head from your ass. 

Repeat as often as needed....  


....and if is necessary to do it more than once, call me.  I will happily come to your location and beat you about the head and neck with it until you either begin to see clearly or lose consciousness.

What can I say?  I live to give.

-AK

No comments: