Friday, October 11, 2013

American Zombie in Fostoria

I don't like Mondays.
I want to shoot
The whole day down....
-Sir Bob Geldof

Perhaps your week has been a nonstop shit show.  It has been nothing but one negative event after another, laid back to back and belly to belly.  You cannot fathom anyone having had a worse week than you.   Well, other than the genius at CBS who greenlighted "We Are Men".  Note to programming:  Slap Jerry O'Donnell in a fat suit, give him a crew cut and write a part for him in "Stand By Me - Part II" or "I'm Still Here, Where the Hell are You?" or whatever you want to call the sequel to Rob Reiner's classic 80's film.  Unless and until you are willing to do that, keep his admittedly toned, yet talent-challenged mug off of prime time television.  Ditto for his wife Rebecca Romijn.  If a couple "in the business" has ever had a brighter future as mannequins than thespians, then I am unfamiliar with them.  Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy they are not.  

But I digress....

Your week was better than Donald Eugene Miller, Jr.'s week.  How can I be so certain?  Well, for starters only one of you appeared in court on Monday morning at a hearing before a Probate Judge and heard His Honor declare you to be "STILL legally dead."   

In 1994, Judge Davis presided over a hearing requested by Donald Eugene Miller, Jr.'s ex-wife, Robin Miller, to declare "the Donald" legally dead so that his Social Security death benefits could be paid to the couple's two children.  It was not as if Robin Miller rushed to the courthouse.  Mr. Miller had disappeared without a trace eight years earlier - in 1986.    When he appeared before Judge Davis this past Monday, he uttered the understatement of all time in response to His Honor asking what had happened.  He told Judge Davis that he had decided to walk away from life as he knew it because of a myriad of financial problems - including it seems his court-imposed requirement to pay his child support obligations - and "It kind of went further than I ever expected it to."  Hmm.  You think? 

Before you weep too heartily for Mr. Miller, whose application to be declared "no longer dead' so that he could reinstate his driver's license and his Social Security Number Judge Davis denied (as well as his request for relief in the alternative, which was to change his first name legally to Lazarus), consider this.  Mr. Miller returned from wherever the hell he had been to Ohio close to a decade ago.  It was in 2005, upon his return to Ohio, when his parents told him that he was "dead".  The enthusiasm for reinstating his driver's license and restoring his Social Security Number so overwhelmed him that only eight short years after learning of his death, he commenced the reincarnation process. 

If he plays his cards right he might be sitting on a marketing gold mine.  Given that Halloween is fast approaching, Mr. Miller should have his attorney reach out to Party City to gauge their level of interest in a Donald Eugene Miller, Jr. costume - or at the very least a mask.  Why be an anonymous, run-of-the-mill zombie when you can dress up as one who comes with his very own back story? 

Perhaps in the certain-to-be-made TV movie of his life, the role of Donald Eugene Miller, Jr. can be played by Jerry O'Donnell.  A lot of time has just opened up in his day-to-day.


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