Thursday, May 9, 2013

An Age-Old Question Answered?

For centuries, a question's answer has eluded the greatest minds the world has known.  Perhaps its solution has proven unattainable because there is not simply ONE correct answer but - rather - many, many correct ones.  I know not.  Hell, if the world's greatest minds cannot divine an answer then I have no hope of doing so.   A man has got to know his limitations after all. 

While I shall likely never know the answer to the question, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" I can state with supreme confidence that I can answer the related query of, "Why did the turtles in Bedminster Township, New Jersey cross the road?"  It is because they wanted to use one of the brand-new, $210,000 "Turtle Tunnels" that is being constructed just for them.  Yep.  Turtle Tunnels.  Two things bear mentioning here.  First, the cost of construction is being financed - almost in its entirety - through a federal Transportation Enhancement Grant in the amount of $180,000.  Second, Bedminster Township plans to construct three such tunnels.  When one stops to think of the cost associated with the construction of the typical, run-of-the-mill tunnel, one realizes that at $70K per tunnel, these three are practically paying for themselves.  

In an effort to shorten lines entering the tunnels, Bedminster Township officials have announced their intention to contract with the State of New Jersey to create an E Z Pass lane in each of the three.  Given the clientele to which these tunnels shall cater, each tunnel shall have two slow lanes.  No fast lane necessary.  Bedminster Township officials have also announced their plan to utilize a federal Can You Believe the Silly Shit Upon Which We Waste Taxpayer Money Enhancement Grant from the Ministry of Silly Walks to commission a study into whether reported incidences among the turtle population of "Suicide by Radial Tire" drop - and to what degree - once the tunnels are open.  

Someone get Flo & Eddie on the horn.  Bedminster Township is THE perfect place to start the next Turtles comeback tour.  Pick up your tambourines boys!  It is time to get happy....

....together.


-AK 



1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Decades ago I watched the completion of I-78 held up for years because it would pass through deer country (Watchung Reservation). Finally, they built 3multi-million dollar deer overpasses complete with landscaping but nobody taught the deer to use them. Today, they just shoot the very deer they built the overpasses for. Turtle soup anyone?