Monday, April 15, 2013

The River Opens for the Righteous

Today is Patriots' Day in Massachusetts.  During the four dreadful months I spent four years ago "wintering at  the Reservoir" Patriots' Day might have been my favorite day of all.  Given the mother ship's location in Boston, it was one day of complete peace and quiet - free from interruptions courtesy of the self-impressed ass hats in Bean Town who believed they had forgotten more about the practice of law in New Jersey than those of us who have spent our entire careers here may ever learn.  Once upon a time I could not have faked giving a rat's ass about Patriots' Day.  That all changed in April, 2009.   Now it is a day the mere mention of which brings a smile to my face. 

The Boston Marathon shall be run this morning, beginning as it always does in Hopkinton.  This year's edition is the 117th.  The Boston Marathon is the world's oldest annual marathon.  Once upon a couple of marathons ago, I harbored the fantasy of one day qualifying for and participating in this race.  No more.  My marathon-running days are firmly entrenched in my rear-view mirror.  Even if they were not it would make no difference with regard to my possible participation in Boston.  

It is a race for which one must qualify.  In 2014, the maximum qualifying time for my age group (Men 45-49) is 3 hours and 25 minutes.   The fastest time I ever posted in a marathon was my maiden voyage in the New Jersey Marathon in 2011.  My finishing time of slightly more than 4 hours and 29 minutes would permit me to qualify for Boston in 2014....if I was at least seventy-five years of age.  Simply running as if I am is not enough.  I have to show proof of age.  So, unless either Rosie Ruiz or Paul Ryan comes forward and offers me some insight as to how to shave more than an hour off of my marathon finishing time this dream will go unfulfilled - much like my brother Kelly's dream of being elected Pope.   

However, Mr. Ryan might be onto something though that could be of use to me and to other marathon runners everywhere.  I used the Paul Ryan Time Calculator for the first time on Saturday.  I was pleased and amazed to see that simply by applying Congressman Ryan's arithmetic, I shaved slightly less than one hour and fifteen minutes off of my PR!  

And while I prepare for my assault on Heartbreak Hill will someone please explain to me how anyone can trust Ryan's arithmetic with regard to the Federal Budget....

....or anything that comes out of his mouth for that matter?  But I digress.  It is Patriot's Day!  Drink a cup of tea.  Go for a long run.  Play a baseball game at 11:30 in the morning.  Do whatever it is you want to do to celebrate it.  It is your day.  

You have damn sure earned it. 


-AK 


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