Monday, July 2, 2012

Memories and Recollections

I am an entirely unexceptional human being.  I am decidedly average.   If I had ever pledged a frat in college, which would have first required a successful frontal lobotomy, my Delta name would have been "Median Point".  Even my last name deposits me neatly in the middle of the pack. 

The only thing I possess that is decidedly 'unaverage' is my memory.  At the risk of speaking immodestly, I have an exceptional memory.  I remember things visually.  It serves me well in that once I travel to a particular place once, it somehow gets imprinted on my brain.  Even if my second trip to that place does not happen for a decade or more after the first one, I not only can navigate my way back to it with little difficulty but I can recall items of interest along my route of travel.  If someone happens to be in the car with me when I do it, it comes off as something akin to a pretty cool parlor trick.  I know what you are thinking, "Aren't you the same moron who spent a day last week ripping your life apart due to your failure to remember where you had put your wallet?"  I am indeed that very same moron.  It is the exception that proves the rule. 

Having an exceptional memory is as much of a burden as it is a blessing.  I have almost perfect recall of every truly shitty thing I have ever done to another.  Cannot forget them.  My mind shall not allow it.  That is why any time I comment on my own shortcomings as a person and it prompts a well-intentioned Greek chorus of "No! No! No!", I ignore them.  I do not "do" self-effacing.  It is not in my DNA.  I know where the bodies are buried.  After all, my hands are still calloused from digging all the holes. 

Taped to my computer in my office is a yellow Post-it on which I have written, "Irish Alzeimer's Disease:  Forget everything....but the grudges."  Not the healthiest life choice?  Perhaps.  If that is your opinion, I shall respect it.  I simply choose to disregard it.  And here is thing about it.  I am not convinced that I could forget the grudges - even were I so inclined.  For every truly shitty thing, every betrayed confidence, every spew of bullshit that has ever been vomited my direction - regardless of when it happened - remains stark and sharp in my memory and crystal clear in my mind's eye.

I suppose in my line of work, an excellent memory works to my advantage.  I am particularly attuned to bullshit.  Moreover, one is well-advised to use one's one lie that they might get over on me with wisely for you shall never get the chance to use whichever one might have been your second. 

And yet there are those who feel compelled to continue to try.  Perhaps the ever-advancing gray hair in my beard and on my head has suggested to them that  I have lost a little something on my fastball?   Fools.  Check the grip.  My heater is fine but 2012 is the Year of the Knuckleball.  Where the hell have you been. 

Those who are so inclined to keep on trying, be sure to keep your chinstrap strapped and to wear your cup.  Damn knuckler is notoriously hard to control. 


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