Saturday, May 5, 2012

Cinco Easy Rules

Today is Cinco de Mayo. If it is an event you celebrate similar to the way in which all the faux Irish celebrate St. Patrick's Day, then please enjoy yourself....and do so somewhere other than where I am and in a manner that will not render you a nuisance (or worse) to me. Perhaps some rules to live by will assist you in having a bueno time without making a culero out of yourself.

UNO

Irrespective of how much tequila you consume, neither you nor anyone at your gathering shall perform - or even attempt to perform - the "Cat Daddy" dance. As is the case with any rule worth its salt (note the topical, cultural reference), there is an exception: Kate Upton.

DOS

No matter how sweetly she asks you - and she is adorable - do not permit Ms. Upton to bring that scary old creepy dude Terry Richardson to your party. What a lecherous cat he appears to be. Holy sh*t. Under no circumstances do you permit that fella to have access to your home.

TRES

Do not start your party until after you root the Rangers to victory in Game Four of their Eastern Conference Semi-Finals series against the Capitals. After a win for the ages on Wednesday night/Thursday morning, you will kick yourself if you miss it. Scientific fact: even lousy Mexican beer like Corona tastes like something real adults drink when the Rangers are up 3-1 in a best 4 out of 7 series. Trust me on this. I am Irish. My people know our alcohol.

CUATRO

Do not cater your Cinco de Mayo fiesta with food from Taco Bell. Even "Mexicans for a Day" like you and your full complement of fellow travelers who shall celebrate the day in traditional locales such as Hoboken know that Taco Bell's food is muy disgusting. There is simply no good time to consume it. If you attempt to serve it prior to rampant alcohol consumption occurring, common sense and alert taste buds will prevent your fellow revelers from sucking it down. If you roll the dice and serve it AFTER all of the booze in your place has been consumed and everyone's thought processes are sufficiently dulled to almost make that crap palatable, then you run the risk of your revelers NOT being able to keep it down.

CINCO

Survive the day. Having a great time on Cinco de Mayo is of little moment if you do not make it to sunrise on Seis de Mayo. Be careful out there....

....and stay thirsty my friends.

-AK

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