Thursday, February 16, 2012

Diamond Bits & Bright Red Bows

I hope that your Valentine's Day was a "happy" one, by whatever standard of measurement you use to assess such things. We are all imbued with the right to pursue happiness but since it means different things to different folks there is no hard and fast route to follow in its pursuit. Nor is there but one fixed, neon sign located somewhere off the interstate on which "HAPPINESS" serves like a beacon in the night for lost souls, guiding them to a singular destination. It is whatever it is and much like pornography, you shall know it when you see it.

Based upon her reaction to it, the Missus appears to be very, very happy with the Valentine's Day present I gave her this year. What was it? Being the die-hard romantic that I am I gave her a diamond. Well, kinda sorta. I bought her what she had asked for: a household Shredder that reduces paper - 7 sheets at a time - into imperceptible scraps of paper. Its secret? It does not simply cut the paper as it shreds it. It reduces it into diamond-shaped bits. In our home, a diamond may be a girl's best friend but a paper shredder that produces diamond-shaped remnants is not too damn far behind.

Oh the looks I received on Monday night as I weaved my way through that fancy store of French origin by way of Minnesota - Target - carrying Margaret's paper shredder in one hand and a big red bow in the other. The unsophisticated among us might think its name is pronounced "Tar - Get", an error no doubt reinforced by the Bullseye symbol the store uses in its advertising. How provincial. Those of us in the knew show off our knowledge by calling this oasis by its correct name, which is pronounced "Tar - Jay". How envious those silly fools lined up looking at jewelry, cards and the like were as I breezed past them. I was in and out of the store in less than ten minutes.

Laugh if you want at my selection. I shall point out only this. Long after your sweetheart has deposited her dead bouquet in the "outgoing receptacle" (and if you bought them at the train station on the way home Tuesday night those damn roses are already compost) and long after your baby has cursed you a blue streak for the candy that has caused her to (a) get two cavities; and (b) gain half a pound in her left shin, my wife shall be using and enjoying her diamond-cut paper shredder. Who says romance is dead? It is alive and well. It has simply moved....from the bedroom to the home office.

And I did not neglect my other girl. Margaret received the shredder. Rosie received the bow. Truth be told her reaction was considerably less enthusiastic than Margaret's was.


Sorry Rosie. I shall try to do better next year.

-AK

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