Sunday, January 8, 2012

For the Love of Mama, America and Jesus Christ

If you are reading this helping of dreck this morning, then congratulations to you - and I thank you for responding in kind to me. We have made it through Week One of Year 2012. Not everyone did so if you are still here and those you love are all present and accounted for, move Week One into the "W" column and get ready for Week Two.

I do not pretend to know whether today is in fact their birthday or simply a convenient date relatively close to it upon which their parents are celebrating it (we do it for the Father of our Country, the Great Emancipator and Dr. King so peddle your mock outrage elsewhere) but today Megan/Adam's twins are going to be the honored guests at their own 1st birthday party. I might very well be the only lunatic who has ever thought of this in such a manner but I can make a compelling argument (compelling to me at least) that the "baby birthday party" is an event that has more in common than you might realize with a repast.

At the center of each event is an honoree (in this case two actually) who (a) has no idea that the event is taking place; and (b) shall have no memory of it once it is over. And for good measure, at each event there shall be at least one invited guest who eats/drinks too much and stays too damn long. Of course, at the baby birthday party there is a reasonable likelihood that the honoree shall also pee on and/or poop him/herself at some point during the celebration. I have yet to see that happen at a repast. Anyway, having their little ones celebrate their first full lap on their lives' calendar is a big deal for Megan/Adam - as well as for the twins (both of whom are just adorable) - so I hope that the day goes wonderfully well for all concerned and that Year #2 follows in lockstep.

I was much more jazzed about 2012 until I stumbled across something that my brother Kelly posted on-line the other day. It was a link to an article on msnbc.com entitled, "Mental Decline can begin as early as 45, study finds", which article begins with the following upbeat news:

The brain's abilities to reason, comprehend and remember may start to worsen as early as age 45, a new study from England suggests.

Researchers gave tests of thinking skills to about 5,100 men and 2,200 women between the ages of 45 and 70 years over a 10-year period. They found people ages 45 to 49 years experienced a notable decline in mental functioning.


Fantastic. Nothing excites a man less than one month from acknowledging the happening of his 45th birthday than finding out that upon its arrival this lawyer shall need an immediate influx of guns and money because the sh*t is going to start.....well it is going to start doing what sh*t has a tendency to do. "Clean up in Aisle 5!"

So I suppose the bad news is that my mental decline shall start in earnest in less than a month. Not terribly exciting. The good news, however, is two-fold. First, it makes my decision to subject myself to a second consecutive New Jersey Marathon much easier to defend - "Do not blame me, it is my diminished mental capacity!" Second, given my pre-age 45 mental acuity it is a development, much like my guy Jon Huntsman and his Presidential campaign, which shall slip below the surface while causing nary a ripple on the water.

Here in 2012, I may very well make the transition from a slow turning to free falling. As long as I stick the landing, everything else will take care of itself.

Or at least I hope so. For if ignorance is bliss, here is to hoping that the next stop for me is euphoria....

-AK

(Before I forget....Go Giants!)

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