Friday, November 18, 2011

From the Desk of the Devil's Workshop

First things first. Three years ago on this very day Margaret and I sat in a chapel in Georgia and watched Rob graduate from FLETC. It was as happy a day as I have ever spent in my life. Having just seen the boy child (as I - and no one else - like to refer to him) just last weekend, it is almost mind-boggling to me how much more grown up he seems now than he did even then. In my mind's eye I can see him on the phone in his dorm room after the ceremony - still dressed in his suit - talking to Nona and filling her in on the morning's events. Three years ago today.

I have no idea for how many seasons Dancing with the Stars has been on television for I have never watched an episode. I do know however that this season there is yet another member of the America's first family of ceaseless self-promotion participating in it. I saw on-line the other morning that Rob Kardashian (ostensibly the "star" in his pairing) and his partner are one of three teams still standing. I presume that the show started airing in September in accordance with the beginning of the new television season. Presuming that is true, then his relationship with his partner (dance) has lasted longer than his sister Kim's relationship with her partner (marital). That is a sad commentary to be certain. Whether it is a sad commentary on the Kardashians or on the rest of us I know not.

Last Friday when the Missus and I were temporarily home on the Front Range, one of the things that we were not able to do was drive up to the summit of Flagstaff Mountain, which is just outside of Boulder. When Margaret saw Colorado for the first time in the Fall of 2001 and again when we were there with Joe in July of 2009, I took my wife's picture standing next to the elevation sign at the summit. We like to think of it as Margaret's retort to all of those inane, "This Car Climbed Mt. Washington" bumper stickers that have polluted the landscape seemingly forever. Our efforts to complete the pictorial trifecta were rebuffed last week.

We presumed that the reason for the road closure was weather-related. Now, we think it might have been for something altogether different. Apparently a young fellow visiting from Missouri thought that climbing the First Flatiron while hallucinating on 'shrooms was a really clever thing to do. A thought that undoubtedly seemed much funnier (and safer) while he was on the ground staring up at the Flatiron as opposed to actually climbing upon it. His climbing partner called for assistance and little Petey PCP Head had to be rescued by the Sheriff's Department and the Fire Department. Thanks for harshing our mellow, slacker dudes. Much obliged.

Sadly, these two are neither the dumbest nor (mercifully) the most sadistic members of the Boulder community to allegedly run afoul of the law out there recently. Not even close. That ignominious honor belongs to the power trio of Nicholas Philip Foti, Lucas Holton and August Quinn Noble. These three - all 19 years of age - were arrested by Boulder police earlier this week, "after they admitted to officers they killed a raccoon with a baseball bat and a machete."

I know not what is more curious to me: the fact that it took three of them to apply this beatdown to a raccoon or that at least one of them was able to put his hands on a machete to use in the attack. It is always nice to know that some knuckle-dragging miscreant who lives in your neighborhood has access to something as fun for all to play with as a machete. For their trouble, all three could be charged with felony aggravated cruelty to an animal. I know what part of their tale sickens me the most. Foti and Noble are CU students. If they plead guilty or are convicted of a crime arising out of this incident, then count this Alum as one who hopes that CU kicks these two little asshats to the curb....or ties them by their ankles to a rope affixed to Ralphie's back legs and then permits our beloved mascot to drag them behind her as she makes her pre-game jaunt during every home game in 2012.

Here at home, we are not growing them any brighter - or any less offensive. Last Friday afternoon, while mourners were gathered at the Ewing Cemetery for a 2:00 funeral, Carol Cimino was rifling through at least one of the mourner's cars from which she pilfered a pocketbook. She was interrupted in mid-purloin after which she immediately fled the scene in a red Dodge Charger (you have to love a thief who (a) works cemeteries; and (b) drives a cool getaway car). The police were able to arrest her only a few hours later, courtesy of the fact that the person who put the kibosh on her one-woman crime spree jotted down the Charger's license plate number. Perhaps next time around, Carol will use a less high-profile ride as her escape vehicle. Something a tad less easy to remember perhaps?

Then again, perhaps there shall be no next time for Carol Cimino. She is after all 65 years old. Perhaps getting nabbed this one time will be enough to get her back on the straight and narrow? I know not. And for all we know, she may end up being able to bet this rap yet. She is 65. Keep your eyes peeled for a filing by her attorney of his/her intent to use the "Uncle Leo Defense".

Remember - whether it works or not, you still say "Hello".


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