Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The Perils of Gambling in Havana

Thor has already swung his mighty hammer at the box office.  The X-Men have made yet another appearance.  Green Lantern is among us.  Captain America arrives next month.  'Tis the season for superheroes at the multiplex.....although I implore you that you should ignore all of these bloated messes and plunk your hard-earned movie-viewing money down on "Super 8".   You shall not regret it.  

Anyway, I digress.  The appearance of superheroes apparently is not limited to the multiplex. Perhaps you missed the world premiere of "Potty Peeping Man"?   On June 17th, police in Boulder, Colorado responded to a report of a man who had been hiding in the tank of a portable toilet at a yoga festival.  When he was discovered (by a young lady clearly in touch with her inner Rockwell), security at the festival tried to apprehend him.  They failed.  Shirtless, shoeless and covered in poo, he eluded capture

Alas, six days later he was arrested by police in Vail for panhandling.  According to the story in the Daily Camera, "Witnesses said [the suspect] was panhandling near a gas station in Vail, and when police contacted him, an officer realized he resembled the portable toilet suspect."   Just goes to show you I reckon that even when we are covered in human feces we do not all look alike.  Perhaps it was the distinctive pattern of the residual corn niblets that gave him away.  Or the distinctive smell.  Regardless, the police grabbed him up and hauled him off to jail.  As an aside, attempting to panhandle in Vail might be even crazier than swimming in an portable shitatorium in Boulder.  Given the median income in Vail, a disheveled, half-dressed dude hanging around a gas station begging for cash kind of, sort of stands out like a sore thumb.....even without the wads of scrunched-up TP in his hair.

Proving that Willie the Shakes was talented but not all-knowing, when Potty Peeping Man was arrested the police learned his name is Luke Irvin Chrisco, which undoubtedly accounts for his slipperiness.  Last Friday night, the Daily Camera interviewed him from his jail cell in Eagle County.  Chrisco revealed that his purpose in submerging himself in the excrement of others was a holy one, which is interesting if for no other reason than further investigation into this chuckle head has revealed that he has made being a Peeping Tom into something of his life's calling.  His purpose is holy.  His method is hole-y. 

Proof perhaps of his intent to mount an insanity defense, after drilling many a peep Poop Hand Luke has muttered many a peep to law enforcement in the several days since his arrest.  Acting upon information that he provided, Boulder Police have been able to corroborate the existence of upwards of a half-dozen peepholes that Chrisco drilled into women's restrooms around the city at establishments ranging from restaurants to the Department of Motor Vehicles.  The more he talks, the more charges they add to those originally filed against him.  And yet, he continues to speak.  Amazing.  It is as if he has diarrhea of the mouth.

At this point, it is appropriate to point out that Mr. Chrisco is in some deep sh*t.  Familiar surroundings no doubt.  To his credit, he seems remarkably unfazed by all that is now swirling around him....

....even as he takes a moment to clean it off of the fan.  And out of his hair.  And his ears.  And his nose.

-AK






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