Sunday, May 15, 2011

Against The Wind

We are half of the way through May already; eh?  It will be summer before you know it.  Weather-wise summer can be a bit of a mixed bag in these parts.  I do not want to appear greedy but I would sign up right now for a summer's worth of weather at least similar - if not identical - to that which we have experienced 'NTSG for the lion's share of the past couple of weeks.  Sun-drenched days and cool, comfortable nights.  I comment here occasionally that if often appears to me as if weather has no memory.  A beautiful day may dawn on the heels of a simply brutal one.  So far this May I wonder if that is indeed the case.  Or if perhaps Mother Nature is revealing just how clear a recollection she has of what life was like in these parts meteorologically speaking from Boxing Day through February.  Either way, I am certainly not complaining.  I know not how long it shall last but I shall appreciate every moment of it while it does.

Friday was the 13th.  Some among us - such as Yours truly - tend towards the superstitious.  Laugh if you like but I still recall Friday, February 13th a lifetime ago when our car flooded out while attempting to drive home from a charity basketball game at W-H and Dad, Mom, Kara, Jill and I had to impose upon the hospitality of the Brown family for a place to spend the night.  Mrs. Brown worked with Dad at W-H.  She taught history at the Lower School.  She was my teacher.  It took her less than four minutes on Monday the 16th to share with my fellow aspiring historians the fact that her home had been temporarily converted into a bunkhouse for stranded motorists the previous Friday.  Talk about the gift that kept on giving.  I think I was in 6th grade at the time.  Good thing for me that my classmates, true to form for 12 and 13 year old kids worldwide, tended to pass up such an obvious comedic target.  Sure they did. 

Kids being kids is an almost universal axiom.  Tough to be a kid these days in Ohio (and not just because the President at TOSU is a snarky little nerd and the football coach at TOSU is on the medal stand in the 2011 Edition of World's Most Disappointing Adult).  A seventh-grader named Anthony Nichols and another boy were apparently suspended from school last week because either (or both) of them farted on the school bus.  The school they attend - the Canal Winchester Middle School - whose administration's mailing address is presumably Utopia since they have no actual issues of significance to occupy their time - has a code of conduct and a provision of the code forbids farting on the school bus.  Someone alert Yogi Bear and Boo-Boo.  Tell them their search is over.  We have found the perfect place

The school justified its decision to suspend the two boys by pointing out that each is a "repeat offender", by which they meant that each has a history of farting on the school bus.  Good to know too that the bus driver is not distracted by less important things such as safe operation of the bus and all the kids are off at the end of the trip so as to prevent him or her to play the role of Gas Ventura, Methane Detective.  

And the good people of Ohio will no doubt be relieved to know that their state is not the only one willing to fight the good fight against middle school boys and their gas attacks.  Florida takes this issue very seriously as well.  Kids have been suspended for ripping one on the school bus and in one case in which the concept of marrying the punishment to the crime has never been better matched a 12 year-old boy was arrested for farting in the classroom.

The twelve-year-old fessed up to what he had done.  In the Ohio case last week the suspected bombers denied that they were the perpetrators of the heinous act.  Is it just me or is anyone else hoping that Little Sir Fart-A-Lot's parents file suit against the school district over the alleged deprivation of their son's civil rights - not to mention all of the embarrassment that has been foisted upon him through the media coverage of the incident.  The Scopes Monkey Trial wrapped up decades before I arrived.  At its core was the classic dichotomy between Creationism and Evolution.  In Ohio, the battle lines have already been drawn.  After years of wondering, we may in fact be sitting on the cusp of answering the question as to which carries the day:  "Whoever smelt it, dealt it" or "Whoever denied it, supplied it."  Greta Van Susteren may have to go in for a tune up in preparation for the uptick in her on-air time. And has anyone seen Roger Cossack since the end of the O.J. Simpson murder trial?  I know I have missed him.

What a time to be alive; right?  Lucky us.  Go forth, embrace the day and breathe in all that is around you.
Just do not breathe in too deeply.  You never know who might be sitting or standing near you and what crimes he or she has just committed against humanity.  Well, against humanity's olfactory senses at least....

....with every breath you take.

-AK

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