Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Dog Days

For anyone among us who wonders why it is that monkeys and other primates have a tendency to hurl their feces at us - their brothers from other mothers - as we stroll past them on the "freedom" side of the bars in our local zoo, consider that (a) primates are the animals closest to us intellectually; and (b) they remain pissed off at our super funky opposable and apposable thumbs.  They know what we tend to forget, which is that it was our alleged ability to process complex thoughts in addition to our super digit that gave us the evolutionary leg up on our primate brothers.  Is the gap between Tarzan and Cheetah large?  Not really.  Is it insurmountable?  So far. 

Presuming that their cages are wi-fi hot spots, it is reasonable to surmise that at some point earlier this week they saw - as us humans did - a couple of fresh examples of why every human being should carry a pair of mittens at all times.  Protection of the thumb is important above all else! 

We begin our tour of all things stupid in the great state of Ohio.  Mike Leake is a twenty-three year-old man.  Leake has a job that I wish I had when I was his age.  Hell, I wish at my present age I had it.  His job requires him to work but one day out of every five.  Is Leake a lawyer or a member of Congress?  No and no.  He is, however, a Major Leaguer.  Leake is a starting pitcher for the Cincinnati Reds.  Thus far this season he is unbeaten (2-0) in three starts.  He last worked on Saturday when he earned the win in a game against the Pittsburgh Pirates. 

Apparently, with four days off until he worked again, Leake woke up on Monday morning and wondered to himself, "Self, what can I do on my day off that will be so incomprehensibly stupid that I might just flush my job right down the toilet?"   And before too long, his inner imbecile answered the question.  Leake was arrested on Monday at a Macy's deparment store in downtown Cincy.  His alleged crime?  Shoplifting.  What was it that he was allegedly attempting to steal when he was nabbed?  Six shirts - the total cost of which was $59.88.

$59.88.  Let me say that I am tempted to start shopping at the Cincinnati Macy's if for no other reason than I have never seen anything in the men's department at the Bridgewater Macy's where I occasionally shop that I could buy six of for less than sixty dollars.  If and when gas drops back below $3.00 a gallon, I am channeling my inner Newman and taking a road trip to the great American Midwest to score me some bargains.  I will resist the temptation to channel my inner Leake and I shall not seek out those of the "five finger" variety.

According to the report I read on ESPN's website, Leake earns $425,000 a year.  If he really has a soft spot in his heart for the $9.98 shirts that he allegedly tried to pilfer on Monday, then one would think he could afford them.  Actually, if he wanted to really look like Beau Brummel, his paycheck this year will enable him to buy more than 42,000 of them.  What one would do with 42,000 t-shirts is a mystery to me.  I have a closet full of t-shirts of all colors and varieties that I have picked up at one race or another over the course of the past year or so - nowhere near 42,000 - and I never wear the majority of them.  42,000?  It boggles the mind to think where one would even store them. 

Leake was charged with a first degree misdemeanor, which if convicted carries a maximum sentence of 180 days in jail - a place where (just like the big leagues) a uniform is provided.  One can scratch jail off of the list of places where Leake would need to wear any of his 42,000 t-shirts. 

Because the world is so damn entertaining, Leake was not the only person whose recent was of the head-scratching variety.  Closer to home, we encountered wannabe do-gooder Luisa Fisco.  You see, here in the State of Concrete Gardens motorists are encouraged to fink on one another.  If you see someone on the highway who is - in your considered opinion - driving recklessly, then you are to call 9-1-1 and report that person to the police.  Apparently, while she was out and about on Saturday, Ms. Fisco spied just such a motorist with her little eye.  She did what she presumably deemed it was her civic duty to do:  she dialed 9-1-1 to report this ne'er-do-well. 

Funny thing happened on the way to her earning her first star as a digital deputy.  While dialing 9-1-1, Fisco somehow lost control of her own vehicle.  She ended up exiting the travel portion of the roadway and crashing into a tree.  She struck the tree with sufficient force that she was taken from the scene to Jersey Shore Medical Center for treatment and examination in the Emergency Department. 

The article on nj.com said that the police know not what happened to the allegedly reckless motorist who Fisco was in the process of dropping a dime on when she crashed her own car.  Presumably the "reckless driver" existed in the first place and was neither an apparition nor a glimpse that Fisco caught of herself in her rear-view mirror as she was motoring down the road.  A story from the on-line version of the Asbury Park Press suggested that Fisco herself might have been the one driving erratically.  The Press story also contained a photograph of Fisco's vehicle post-accident with its roof where its wheels should have been and vice versa.  The story also contained a bit of happy news:  Fisco was discharged from Jersey Shore Medical Center after being treated in its Emergency Department. 

Stupid is as stupid does.  There goes your proof. 

-AK

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