Thursday, July 8, 2010

The Melting Pot

While driving to court yesterday morning I heard someone on the radio utter, "It is so hot that all of my ice cream melted" (wait for it) "and it was in my freezer." Corny? Absolutely. However given that we have spent at least a portion of each of the past few days north of the 100 degree mark here in the State of Concrete Gardens, I found myself chuckling in spite of myself.

It has been simply brutal here the past few days. And as it tends to do, once weather moves from the wings to a spot front and center on stage and in the mind of the collective, it has dominated not only the newspapers and the airwaves but also the conversations 'round the water cooler. Candidly, given the open, obvious and oppressive nature of the weather it is not something that I prefer to stand around in the office and chat about with my colleagues. On Tuesday morning one of my partners (not being privy to my unwritten rule obviously) poked his head in my office for the sole purpose of asking, "Can you believe this weather?" I waited a moment or two before - with no affect at all - responding, "Yes." He looked at me for just a minute after I spoke, looked down at his shoes and then walked away, his face showing the combination platter of surprise and confusion that he he felt he had just been served although it was not what he had ordered.

Among the many things that really annoy the living shit of me about this ridiculous weather - and sweating while sitting at my desk in my office in the wee small hours of the morning is high on the list I assure you - is the fact that the weather folks on TV are absolutely rolling in it. They love extreme weather in any manner, shape or form. This week they have been having as much fun as they did in February when it seemed that once a week all the snow on the planet was deposited anew in the New York metropolitan area. Why? Usually on the local news the weather guy is Urkel - the goofy dude with the thick glasses whose presence is tolerated (in small doses) but who does little to merit a second glance. His time on-camera is a mere speed bump on the avenue that bridges the distance between the evening's top stories of murder, mayhem and chaos and the sports.

Not so this week. In response to this extreme heat, every local station has done what they have learned to do when the next great blizzard arrives. They have mobilized a team of reporters. Yes, a team! On Monday I got home from the office in plenty of time to watch the CBS 2 News at 6:00 p.m. and a mere minute into the broadcast Mr. Teeth (a/k/a "the Anchor") was talking simultaneously about four reporters who were scattered throughout the metropolitan area reporting on the day's weather. As he talked, a visual image akin to a poor man's Brady Bunch filled the screen - each poor bastard looking hotter than the rest as he or she waited to his or her report. In case you missed them, two themes were prevalent. First, it was really hot. Second, everyone seemed really pissed off about it. At the completion of those four DVR-worthy pieces of reporting, the weatherperson explained to us (all the while gesturing furiously at a screen full of very life-like looking suns and capital "H"s) that it was really hot here because......well, because it is really hot everywhere across the United States. If you think the mysteries surrounding the origins of major snow storms elude most of our intrepid talking weather heads, you are in for a treat watching them try to explain where really, really hot weather comes from.

This too shall pass. Hopefully sooner rather than later. Truth be told, I am hoping for it to bid us a fond farewell by 7:00 p.m. tonight. Months ago - before I lived mere inches from the sun - I signed up to run in a 5K race that is going forward tonight in Morristown. The title of this little get-together is the "Lawyers for Kids 5K". While I hope that the name denotes some sort of tag-team and/or relay race concept (teams comprised of lawyers and kids take turn running the required distance) I suspect that its name is suggestive of some type of organized benevolence. Nothing like a bit of heat stroke for a good cause; right? I am kidding of course. I shall have my trusty Camelbak with me tonight, which is the single best purchase Rob ever recommended to me to make, so staying hydrated will not be an issue. Furthermore, I do not run particularly fast. Heat-related issues seem to impact the actual runners in the field far more than they do stragglers like me.

It is July in Jersey. It is hot. We do what we can. We try to keep cool. At some point the heat will break. It always does. Until it does, we should all just try to follow Mookie's example.....

.....and tell any Red Sox fan you know to chill. I was not talking about this Mookie.

Just goes to show that irrespective of the temperature it is always perfect weather for tweaking a Red Sox fan.

-AK

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