Tuesday, April 6, 2010

What's That One About Giving A Man A Fish?

We are only six days into April, which is 20% of the way through the month (for you math majors at home) and while it may be a bit early to declare a winner of this month's Costanza - awarded to the "Lord of the Idiots", sitting in the clubhouse with a comfortable lead is Rashon East. In fairness to Mr. East, he might be nothing more or less than proof positive of the effectiveness of a certain McDonald's advertising campaign.

And who has not fallen prey at least one time in his or her life to the siren's song of Madison Avenue? Go ahead - look around your home, gaze around your office or just sit quietly for a moment with your eyes closed racking your brain for that thing you were persuaded to purchase by the relentless promotion of it. Suzanne Somers does not even pop up on Lifetime TV any more these days; right? Did you really think that was solely attributable to our collective good luck? Think again.

While there is no confirmation in the press as to whether his friends and family call him Ishmael, Mr. East appears to have fallen prey to the lure of the open water and its inhabitants. Or at the very least, one of its inhabitants. On its website the Courier News reports that in the wee small hours of Sunday March 27th Mr. East - who was a customer at the drive-thru window of a McDonald's Restaurant (a location where the employees are apparently lucky enough to be open 24 hours a day!) - got slightly pissed off that someone had taken the "fast" out of his fast food. The McDonald's in question apparently has two windows in its drive-thru lane - the "here's where you pay us" window and the "here's where we harden your arteries" window. Mr. East plucked down his hard-earned coin for his Filet-O-Fish Sandwich at the former but when it took longer than he felt it should have to get to him through the latter (his point may be valid for it is not as if they still had to catch the damn thing) he decided to head on inside to see what was taking so long.

Possessing agility that the breading-covered rectangular filet undoubtedly wished it had possessed in its pre-fast food life, Mr. East entered the restaurant through the drive-thru window. Apparently in his night classes at the Midvale School for the Gifted he concentrated his studies on shape-shifting and skipped the lecture series on the proliferation of surveillance cameras in American retail establishments.......including apparently in fast-food restaurants located at the intersection of Route 1 and Sand Hill Road in South Brunswick, New Jersey. He also apparently never bothered to take into consideration the answer to some of life's great imponderables, such as "I wonder if this restaurant has security cameras?" or "I wonder if it is worth the assault charge I shall surely receive to tune up some poor kid working the graveyard shift at Mickey D's over slow service?" or - perhaps the most imponderable of all, "What makes me appear to be crazier: coming through the drive-thru window to attack a McDonald's employee over the delivery speed of my Filet-O-Fish Sandwich or voluntarily stopping to purchase and eat a Filet-O-Fish Sandwich at 4:20 in the morning?"

I mean not to speak ill of the fine food preparers and servers at Mickey D's - including but not limited to the unfortunate soul who was on the receiving end of Mr. Easts tirade - but it is not as if they prepare your food the moment you walk into (or drive up to) the establishment. The likelihood of Mr. East's F-O-F having been freshly made is about as good as it actually having been produced from a real fish. Marginally better perhaps but you get the point.

All of us has an inner Leo Getz I suppose. The secret is not allowing it to run our life. For an irretrievable moment in time, Mr. East did. However on April 5th, after being the subject of an extensive manhunt for more than a week, which reflects more positively on the quality of life in South Brunswick than any self-congratulatory materials the Borough's Chamber of Commerce could ever produce, Mr. East surrendered to authorities. Thankfully, it appears as if the McDonald's employee who he slapped and/or otherwise assaulted did not sustain any bodily injuries. It also appears as if Mr. East - a father himself - realized what a colossally inane thing he had done and is prepared to face whatever consequences might be awaiting him for his actions.

His actions shall be weighed upon the scales of justice. Some things are simply too good to not be true after all. And to think that all of this came out of a little fishin' in the dark - Mickey D's style.

Somebody go wake up Norm and tell him the good news.


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