Monday, December 21, 2009

If I'd Known the Lawn Was Black Tie I'd Have Worn My Tennessee Tuxedo

Here NTSG I bet the homes of our town look a great deal like those in your town this time of year. From block to block the homes throughout Middlesex are adorned with a variety of lights, lawn ornaments and other accouterments. There are a handful that are spectacular, a number that are quite ambitious and countless others that are basic but nevertheless quite festive (quick guess which category our home falls into).

Most of the homes have "traditional" decorations outside of them. Santa Claus is a popular lawn intruder this time of year. Manger scenes, reindeer and snowmen abound as well. Yesterday while the Missus and me were out doing the weekly grocery shopping we even saw an inflatable Bumble. And while I am not the sharpest pair of hedge clippers in the tool shed even I recognize the connection between all of the above and Christmas.

Yet this year I have noted a veritable explosion of lawn penguins. And for the life of me I cannot figure out what the hell the connection is between penguins and Christmas. Granted I do not watch animated Christmas shows as frequently as I did when my kids were little so it is possible that penguins have sashayed their way into featured roles in them while I was watching something on another channel. Although I do not believe that to be the case.

For reasons not known to me, Chilly Willy has earned a place in the Yuletide pantheon. And not only do I not get it - because I am essentially a disagreeable son of a bitch - I find it offensive. I support fervently one's right to festoon one's home with whatever inane and tacky crap one wishes to festoon as that particular household's celebration of Christmas. I ask simply that it bears some direct relationship to the big day itself.

Now that we have invited penguins in, we have started down a slippery slope from which we may never recover. Walruses, sea lions and narwhals will all want a piece of the action (and who wants a whale with a jousting stick super glued to its face taking up space on one's lawn?) and then all hell will break loose. The next thing you know, Eskimos and ice floes will be clamoring for some quality grass time.

And once that happens, where will we display our Homer Simpson Santa Inflatables?

-AK

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