Thursday, May 28, 2009

May We Have a Time Check, Mr. Warhol?

Perhaps I am the only person above the age of 18 in these United States who is so culturally obtuse that I had no idea who/what "John and Kate Plus Eight" was until my significantly brighter than I daughter explained it to me. Candidly, the notion of a family having its own unscripted television show solely because of the family's size struck me as more than slightly odd. You see, I am the caboose on a train of six children produced by my parents sans the benefit (?) of fertility drugs. Had "Reality TV" existed conceptually thirty-five years ago, perhaps the world would have delighted in the good-spirited shenanigans of "Joan and Bill Plus Six, Including Jill", a title replete not only with good rhythm but also with the ability to please one of my sisters while really chapping the hide of another. Alas, it did not exist so those good times exist only in the individual memories of those of us who lived them - and have lived to tell about them.

Having never seen even a piece of any episode of J&K+8, I know nothing about the family, such as where they live, how old either J or K is and what either does to earn a living, since ten hungry mouths do indeed have to be fed from time-to-time. Luckily, however, as a regular watcher of the news and a regular reader of newspapers, I have had the opportunity lately to learn much about J & K. In case you have missed it, here's what we know so far.

J apparently is a skirt-chasing hound. Every piece of video aired on television and picture printed in a newspaper seems to show him doing the perp walk out of a "club" (giving that term its broadest possible definitional interpretation since it always seems to be a joint located in the nether regions of Pennsylvania) at closing time with some woman other than his wife.

K apparently is a domineering Hellcat. Every item that references her in the newspaper seems to discuss what a shrew she allegedly is to all the people who work on J&K+8. And every piece of video aired on television about her inevitably seems to include her male bodyguard (which begs the question "From whom does K need protection?" other than perhaps the dude who used to be the lead singer in Flock of Seagulls, who is mad as hell that she stole his haircut) rushing around breathlessly together.

There was an item in the New York Post earlier this week that K apparently remarked recently that the television series has created a lot of unnecessary tension within their household. Perhaps it was the "Woe is us" nature of the remark or the fact that in every photograph her hair just looks so damn angry, but all I could think upon reading her mini-rant was, "Are you kidding me?"

J&K are on TV solely because of her ability - when jacked up on fertility drugs - to pop out babies like Pez. At some point, J&K made a deal with the Devil (or the head of whatever network their show is on) to trade in their humanity for notoriety. Sorry sister, but you do not get to stand back now and gripe about the intrusion into your life this has become. You not only invited the intrusion into your home, you accepted fame and fortune from it as housewarming gifts when it first arrived.

Will J&K+8 survive either as a family or a TV show? I know not. For the sake of the little ones who these two idiots have brought into the world, here's to hoping that they do. But if the marriage collapses, which will likely delight the folks at the network because dirty laundry = big ratings, the possibility of a spin-off series (or more than one) is excellent. We could see "J&K Separate, Who Will Get Custody of the Eight?", and thereafter, "K's a Shrew, J's a Louse, Who'll Keep the Eight, Who'll Get the House?"

J &/or K, call me. We'll do lunch and talk about more ideas. Hurry though. I have a feeling that your fifteen minutes is just about up.

-AK

2 comments:

dweeb said...

"Joan and Bill Plus Six, Including Jill", a title replete not only with good rhythm but also with the ability to please one of my sisters while really chapping the hide of another.

Well-played, sir! ;-)

Anonymous said...

"J&K are on TV solely because of her ability - when jacked up on fertility drugs - to pop out babies like Pez. "

Exactly! Amazingly they didn't complain when they went to Hawaii or Disney or Legoland or skiing in CO on the "company dime." What about the other regular families out there who have 6 kids? Just b/c they weren't all born on the same day they are not worthy?